Things get in the way of making revolution, particularly personal stuff which takes up time and energy, and gets worry wheels whizzing uncontrollably. Even people whose personal lives are pretty trouble free get absorbed in bringing up children to the exclusion of all else, so in all the groups concerned with world – or local – change (ones I’ve been involved with anyway), there are relatively few activists with young children, despite concern for one’s children’s future being supposedly a strong motivator for looking after the planet. I’ve had a lifelong interest in social equality, peace and the ‘environment’, and I’ve kept in touch with those kind of issues, but I’ve not done as much as I should due to my personal life having been such a mess. I should be free of all that now, but in lifespan terms I have perhaps only the last dregs of my lifetime left, that period too when time seems to speed up. But the personal stuff still holds me back, keeps me buzzing in the early hours over old resentments, and so, in the hope of ‘dumping’ some of it, here is a list of the mistakes I have made on the personal front. It makes a seemingly interesting ‘story’, but it actually bores me silly; I’d love to be able to leave it all behind and move on. (I’ve changed the names, partly to avoid the painful charge they hold. Started 12/12/05, worked up a bit since to get at the essence.)

Mistakes I made in my life include:

• getting involved with Thomas (I was 17 and thought myself unattractive, so grateful for what I could get);
• going to university with him;
• putting up with his jealousy so not having friends and fun;
• marrying him to live together (co-habiting not allowed at university then);
• doing more work on his degree than my own;

• teasing him for his lack of wits and style (I’ve never suffered bores gladly);

• putting up with beatings from him;
• getting pregnant and having baby, Timothy, while still at university;
• discovering belatedly that men find me attractive, and flirting with Harold;
• confessing to having kissed Harold;
• letting Thomas – who wouldn’t believe I hadn’t – goad me into having sex with Harold;
• putting up with more beatings;
• walking out, and going home to mother, after worst ever beating, without taking Timothy;
• getting involved with Michael, whom I met just days after leaving Thomas, when I was very vulnerable and had no money. Michael insisted on helping me, fell in love and pursued me despite my saying I had to sort out getting Timothy back first – so I lost the moral high ground (that relationship was doomed – as Michael himself said – because it lost me my little boy, then only four years old);
• becoming obsessively devoted to my daughter, Merry, by Michael;
• persuading Michael to leave his cosy job and get ambitious;
• being unable to deal with Michael’s lack of affection;
• becoming obsessive about having another child, Maud;
• getting involved with my needy and affectionate cousin, Simon;

• putting my own principles and pride and emotional needs over the needs of my children (as conventionally defined) – but not deliberately;

• not discouraging Michael from going to work abroad when Merry and Maud were aged six and four;

• refusing proper maintenance payments once we were separated, partly due to pride, thinking I could resume my career and cope on my own, partly because of disapproving of his tax dodging;

• wanting the reality of it but struggling to juggle work, house and child care, so probably not being a good enough mother (as Maud, who became a perfect mother herself, later told me);

• accepting the arrangement whereby Michael had all the happy holiday times with them and accumulated a fortune so he could seem generous by giving handsome handouts years later;

• seeking an easier time by getting involved with solid, reliable Andrew, who tried to make the girls call him Daddy (I left him after he smacked Maud);
• carrying on working despite serious illness, when I could have had disability benefit and so more time with my children;
• not working out a clear plan for making the most of the rest of my life after George came along and provided material security;

• agonising over being financially dependent on George;

• trying too hard to make everything right with my daughters instead of getting on with my own life.

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